But first, before I write about that, an apology is in order, I know: to myself, to my readers, and to the writing gods for breaking my must-post-everyday rule. I am learning (again) that I must write in the morning, or it's way too easy to put it aside. I am re-determined to do the everyday thing.
On to the epiphany. The post I just wrote, despite all its flaws - and despite how darn long it took me to write it - was the most focused, satisfying work I have done in a long freakin time. It feels important to acknowledge that and also to acknowledge why.
As a grownup, single, never-married, childless and non-childbearing (hysterectomy due to health reasons 5 years ago), bisexual female who is sometimes sexually active, I don't quite fit a conventional mold. And neither does my social life, which includes whatever sexual or romantic life I may have. It is easy to be afraid of this - or at least of being publicly honest about it - which really, are pretty much the same thing, since what we are afraid to tell others often becomes what we are afraid to face / affirm / allow in ourselves. And vice versa.
It's especially risky to write about the parts of me and my life that I actually find most interesting in a highly public forum like this one, when all a potential employer (or friend, or date, or my mom - hi mom!) has to do is google my name and Read All About me. I don't have the veil of fiction to hide behind the way I would if I were writing a poem, a short story, a play. But therein lies the crux of the issue: I don't want my writing to be a veil. No matter what genre I'm writing in - whether it draws on my own life or not - I want it to be compelling of its own accord, not motivated by my own need to legitimize my life through Literature, to create a pretty, well-crafted form and say, "Look at this very nice thing I made. Doesn't it justify my existence? Pay no attention to the woman behind the sestina..."
I have nothing against pretty, well-crafted forms, as long as they come from an honest place. And if - like my Valentine's Day ritual, which I still haven't done because I've been writing about my dumb date last night - that sounds a little too New Age, tough shit. :)
I hid behind children's theatre for years. Not that I didn't love writing for children; I did, and still do. (Or I would, were I writing for children right now. But I know I would like to do it again, so it feels right to say "I still do".) The one play "for grownups" that I wrote and had produced after grad school was eviscerated in the local press because it sugarcoated its subject. The last play I wrote, 5 years ago, was a children's theatre commission that never reached its potential, partly because I didn't know how to stand up for my own vision. Others described the script as "too dark", and I let myself get persuaded that I had to clean/lighten it up...only to find myself gutting its meaning and distancing myself from the work. Not a recipe for success, I found out too late, about the time I realized that my own shame around my less-than-conventional relationship life had contributed to my fear of standing up for my work. I won't repeat the mistakes of that life, but I also won't allow myself to deal in shame anymore, no matter what kind of life I may live.
And so. All this is just to say that I'm going to reveal myself in this blog. As much as I want to, without any fear. My writing needs it. So does my mental health. And I think the world might benefit.
Potential employers, please take note: I am responsible, hardworking, intelligent person, a skilled writer and a strategic thinker with an eye for detail who also possesses strong organizational and interpersonal skills, as well as a high degree of proficiency in Word, Excel, Access, and Raiser's Edge. All of that is true, and will continue to be, no matter what I write in this blog.
And Mom, if you ever read this: I love you so much, and I'm grateful to you for everything you have given me. Including the confidence to move forward and create a life that makes sense to me. This blog is part of that process. Enjoy.
And Happy Valentine's Day!
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