this is yesterday's post II

this has been a big week of work and exhaustion and revelation and renewal.

the pressure has lifted somewhat, hooray, but right now it still feels there is no end of deadlines to meet and tasks to accomplish.

and that's a good thing. a good "problem" to have. because it means i'm making (or trying to make) some good things happen, creatively and financially. i like my geeky work-driven life. i'm passionate about it. most of the time.

but then i'll walk into someone's gorgeous brownstone that they created with their husband or see someone's happy-couple photos on facebook and there's that longing. for more. but it's a more i'm not gonna have now. i know. i'm not ready. and most of the time i don't want it. i want the world. i want to experience life through my own filter, when and how i want to, without someone waiting for me to finish up with all that so i can be home for dinner. i'm free. and that is worth a lot.

but it is also worth admitting: the flip side of freedom is loneliness.

sometimes.

it's a price i'm willing to pay. for now.

and i know, too, that not being Involved doesn't have to mean Lonely. there's a lot of joy to be created and happiness to be found in the connections we make every day with friends, with the people i meet on the street, the people i work with, hell, the coffee shop guy, cab drivers, and this is the gorgeousness of new york: you can be "alone" and in humanity all at once, a free agent and connected to the person with whom you exchange a smile as you both, at the very same moment, notice the toddler laughing, tromping down the street with his mom, almost tumbling but righting himself and then clapping. and this is the loneliness of new york: you are connected to that person for a single split second, a flash recognition, just long enough sometimes to wonder - and the moment passes. you never see them again.

on to the next one, and to your next task. and the next question of who and where you want to be, and who you do or don't want to be near, what you do or don't want to think about, do, see, investigate, query, accomplish, let go: this moment, and the next one. and the next. and the next.

**
last night before i went to sleep i set my clock alarm and the NEW YORK'S GREATEST HITS WCBS  radio station was playing Blinded by the Light. The Manfred Mann version. and I was on fire right then, just all of a sudden, I was under disco ball stars at an unknown dancehouse and i was throwing out moves, doing silent karaoke, mugging for no one in my imaginary blue afro wig. shiftin and twistin and clownin and playin and  throwin down. for no one. for me. in my room. 2 AM.

I think I gotta get out a bit more.
I think I'm gonna. Pretty soon.