Taking a break for a few days. There's a lot of great stuff going on, and actually a lot to write about, but there are also a lot of demands at both my jobs this week and most of my screen/brain time is going to be focused on getting donor letters written and out the door and writing an instructional DVD. Some of it will also be spent looking for job #3, as the cushion I brought with me is rapidly dwindling.
And at the risk of sounding a bit dramatic, I'll also say that I'm going through a time of transformation / revelation about what I want to do, who I want to be, and what I want to create here, and how, and all that internal yadda. I don't want to process it in public (and I bet you don't want me to either). But I need to assimilate it all more before I re-emerge. So. There it is. For now. Taking a break. If you do indeed exist, dear readers, I thank you for understanding!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
gathering
is the word of the day, and what I'm doing right now: gathering with new people, and gathering up moments, stories, images, questions, to write about, think about and follow into a new maze of experience / reflection / action.
soon i'll strew them at your feet like fresh cut flowers from a basket, one by one by one.
but right now, i'm gathering.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Meta-resolution
Just read back through the last few blog posts and realized with a sinking feeling in my chest that this blog has become impossibly boring. Full of half-baked self-help insights and dull everyday resolutions that would put even the most dedicated reader to sleep.
So here's my meta-resolution for the week: no more resolutions. No more self-critique / self-improvement narratives. From now on, this space is about stories, encounters, moments, ideas, adventures, questions - anything but the bone-dry repetition of How I Can Do Better. That stuff will always be there. But I'll save it for my journal -- and my therapist.
Onward.......
So here's my meta-resolution for the week: no more resolutions. No more self-critique / self-improvement narratives. From now on, this space is about stories, encounters, moments, ideas, adventures, questions - anything but the bone-dry repetition of How I Can Do Better. That stuff will always be there. But I'll save it for my journal -- and my therapist.
Onward.......
FIERCE
Went to a benefit last night for FIERCE, an organization that provides services and support to queer youth of color in NYC. Excellent event, packed with fine women. Wore a blue afro wig, black platform boots, a clingy black dress, red lacetop stockings, and danced like I haven't in months. Performances by Stacey Ann Chin, Me'shell N'dege'Ocello, Toshi Reagon, a naughty trans hip-hop outfit from Brooklyn called House of LaDosha, the FIERCE staff, and a youth poet. Here's a pic of Me'Shell throwing down some FIERCE guitar.
A very different show (and very different performer) than when I first saw her 14 years ago in Seattle.
More later on that and the many social/artistic/racial/cultural questions swirling round my head in the wake of the event and this very full week.
But right now I'm paying for my long evening out, and I got hella shit to take care of!
A very different show (and very different performer) than when I first saw her 14 years ago in Seattle.
More later on that and the many social/artistic/racial/cultural questions swirling round my head in the wake of the event and this very full week.
But right now I'm paying for my long evening out, and I got hella shit to take care of!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Very very busy
is how I am right now. So not much blogging time this week.
I will admit that since Monday, when I wrote up that intricate set of standards for myself, I have not yet accomplished the get-up-early-morning routine.
On Tuesday I set my alarm for 5am and woke up at 9. Today I set my alarm for 6am and woke up at...9. I realize, of course, that if I went to bed earlier it would be easier to get up earlier. I do realize this is true. But I DO get a lot done later at night when the daytime distractions have dropped away, so the hard part is going to bed and losing those hours between 10am and 2am when I feel productive in a more focused way than I often do during the day. I have to make the adjustment. I know. But given that it's 1:35 AM and I'm still working, it won't be tonight!
I will admit that since Monday, when I wrote up that intricate set of standards for myself, I have not yet accomplished the get-up-early-morning routine.
On Tuesday I set my alarm for 5am and woke up at 9. Today I set my alarm for 6am and woke up at...9. I realize, of course, that if I went to bed earlier it would be easier to get up earlier. I do realize this is true. But I DO get a lot done later at night when the daytime distractions have dropped away, so the hard part is going to bed and losing those hours between 10am and 2am when I feel productive in a more focused way than I often do during the day. I have to make the adjustment. I know. But given that it's 1:35 AM and I'm still working, it won't be tonight!
Monday, May 10, 2010
This week's commitments
These are really lifetime commitments, but - as with almost every practice that is good for the soul but hard to begin and maintain for whatever reason - it's easier to do them if I/one commit(s) to doing them for a finite period. So, I'm committing to doing the following things this week. And if that feels like too much, then every morning, I'll commit to doing them for just that one day. And then the next. And the next.
Requisite disclaimer: of course: I know this is just boring personal everyday stuff, and I could just write it down in my own private journal, and by putting it out here on the web I'm contributing to that Oprah-inflected TMI-soaked culture of confession and public disclosure that some say is eroding the sturdy American tradition of keeping important things to ourselves, but sorry y'all, it helps me to say this out loud, to make the commitment in public. So if you don't want to read about my daily routines, eating habits, etc. - and honestly, I don't blame you if you don't! - feel free to ignore the following. If you do read it and hear me faltering in my commitments, feel free to give me some constructive coaching. (And if I don't want to hear it, I'll let you know!) Thanks.
Big commitment #1: go to bed earlier and start my days earlier, making/taking time in the morning for daily practices. (Goal: bed by 11pm, waking up by 6:30-7:00am) These practices are:
- Walk dog for a full 20 minutes before spending time @ the park. (Means must allow about 45 min for dog time).
- Read Rumi for about 10 min (while heating water for coffee).
- Meditate for 10-15 min.
- Yoga for 15-30 min. (Re-learn sun salutation and 3-5 other basic poses to do every day).
- Every other day: blog for 10-15 min. (Instead of doing all posts at the end of the day when I'm too tired!).
Big commitment #2: become more conscious of my eating habits and make better choices.
- Eat all meals sitting down at table or in living room, not standing up in the kitchen.
- Related to that: make the time to take all vitamins every day.
- Track breakfast and all food via Weight Watchers.
- Cut out all sweets except dark chocolate (and the remainder of that giant chocolate chip cookie in the fridge).
- Work harder at making vegetables part of my everyday meals. As in, take the extra 10 min to cook the damn vegetables or make the damn salad instead of taking the easy way out by microwaving yet another boca burger and calling it lunch.
- Make food on the weekends that I can take to lunch during the week so I'm not spending a bunch of time and money buying lunches that are probably more fattening than I want to admit.
Big commitment #3: Re-structure my process of working on grants, the DVD project I'm working on, and other deadline-based projects.
- Start project by looking at the end goal and working backwards.
- Start at least a week before I think I need to, because it ALWAYS takes longer than I think it will.
- Break down every project into individual tasks and create a schedule by which to complete each task.
- If someone else is part of the process (boss, editor, etc.) include them from the beginning: don't be afraid to ask questions and ask for assistance if needed - and do this sooner rather than later so that they have a chance to give input without being rushed.
- Leave plenty of time to check, double-check, triple-check everything.
Big commitment #4: Re-start my creative life
- In blog posts and/or journal, write down one writing idea or other creative project idea per day. (Even if I never do any of these it'll get the juices going.)
- Start/sign up for a new class: UCB, Neo-Futurists, or...class on generating new solo work, or documentary film class, or class at UrbanGlass
Big commitment #5: find new service project
- Explore opportunities to work with seniors and youth, either in my physical neighborhood/community or in a community to which I feel a particular connection
- Find the opportunity that most inspires me, even if it doesn't seem like something I would "normally" do
- Commit to a project - maybe start in a small-scale way, assisting with one or two events - and move forward from there.
And that's it - for now.
Ahh. Feels good. To have written that. Now to do it!
Requisite disclaimer: of course: I know this is just boring personal everyday stuff, and I could just write it down in my own private journal, and by putting it out here on the web I'm contributing to that Oprah-inflected TMI-soaked culture of confession and public disclosure that some say is eroding the sturdy American tradition of keeping important things to ourselves, but sorry y'all, it helps me to say this out loud, to make the commitment in public. So if you don't want to read about my daily routines, eating habits, etc. - and honestly, I don't blame you if you don't! - feel free to ignore the following. If you do read it and hear me faltering in my commitments, feel free to give me some constructive coaching. (And if I don't want to hear it, I'll let you know!) Thanks.
Big commitment #1: go to bed earlier and start my days earlier, making/taking time in the morning for daily practices. (Goal: bed by 11pm, waking up by 6:30-7:00am) These practices are:
- Walk dog for a full 20 minutes before spending time @ the park. (Means must allow about 45 min for dog time).
- Read Rumi for about 10 min (while heating water for coffee).
- Meditate for 10-15 min.
- Yoga for 15-30 min. (Re-learn sun salutation and 3-5 other basic poses to do every day).
- Every other day: blog for 10-15 min. (Instead of doing all posts at the end of the day when I'm too tired!).
Big commitment #2: become more conscious of my eating habits and make better choices.
- Eat all meals sitting down at table or in living room, not standing up in the kitchen.
- Related to that: make the time to take all vitamins every day.
- Track breakfast and all food via Weight Watchers.
- Cut out all sweets except dark chocolate (and the remainder of that giant chocolate chip cookie in the fridge).
- Work harder at making vegetables part of my everyday meals. As in, take the extra 10 min to cook the damn vegetables or make the damn salad instead of taking the easy way out by microwaving yet another boca burger and calling it lunch.
- Make food on the weekends that I can take to lunch during the week so I'm not spending a bunch of time and money buying lunches that are probably more fattening than I want to admit.
Big commitment #3: Re-structure my process of working on grants, the DVD project I'm working on, and other deadline-based projects.
- Start project by looking at the end goal and working backwards.
- Start at least a week before I think I need to, because it ALWAYS takes longer than I think it will.
- Break down every project into individual tasks and create a schedule by which to complete each task.
- If someone else is part of the process (boss, editor, etc.) include them from the beginning: don't be afraid to ask questions and ask for assistance if needed - and do this sooner rather than later so that they have a chance to give input without being rushed.
- Leave plenty of time to check, double-check, triple-check everything.
Big commitment #4: Re-start my creative life
- In blog posts and/or journal, write down one writing idea or other creative project idea per day. (Even if I never do any of these it'll get the juices going.)
- Start/sign up for a new class: UCB, Neo-Futurists, or...class on generating new solo work, or documentary film class, or class at UrbanGlass
Big commitment #5: find new service project
- Explore opportunities to work with seniors and youth, either in my physical neighborhood/community or in a community to which I feel a particular connection
- Find the opportunity that most inspires me, even if it doesn't seem like something I would "normally" do
- Commit to a project - maybe start in a small-scale way, assisting with one or two events - and move forward from there.
And that's it - for now.
Ahh. Feels good. To have written that. Now to do it!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Grounding and expanding
My weekend was domestic and mundane, lots of taking care of business, from buying much-needed new bras at 40% off at Macy's to attending my first Weight Watchers meeting today to finally getting a pair of Born walking shoes so that I can protect my feet as I walk for miles around the city. Despite the somewhat shocking outflow of cash that accompanied these activities, it felt good and grounding to do all these things (except during a few overstimulated moments at Macy's where I seriously thought I was gonna lose it in the midst of the racks and racks of on-sale clothing - the experience of shopping there, and what it brought up around materialism, money, and identity, may actually merit a blog post in and of itself).
In some ways, though, my domestic weekend felt way too limited, too anonymous somehow. I've given up on the idea of dating for the moment, but I'm feeling the need to be engaged in a larger context / dialogue, which is ironic given that i live in this giant city. It's a tricky balance: in order to feel sane and settled here, you have to, as my roommate says, "make it a small town," which I'm doing more and more as i learn the neighborhoods of Brooklyn, commune with my dog park friends, etc., find the best coffee shops to sit and work at, but I need/want to expand the world I'm part of here, and I need/want to do it in two ways:
1) By doing service work - in a creative way. Either through a senior center or a youth center or a vets organization: volunteer to teach/lead some kind of writing project. Could be an interview project like the ipod project in which LGBT youth interview elders in the community, or something more personal. But I need to get engaged in this way.
2) By expanding my connection with/to other writers and artists. How do I do this, and why? And is what I really want to expand my own creative activity, i.e. write more? Which comes first, the work or the connections? The work, of course: that's the heart of it. But there's symbiosis between the two. And I don't want to work in isolation, and I don't necessarily want to just write as my creative outlet. I just finished a big article project and am about to take on a bunch more grantwriting for my theatre job and health/expository writing for another job. What I feel the urge to do, more than ever right now, is some kind of performance that includes writing. Which makes me think: I should take an improv class at Upright Citizens Brigade or the Neo-Futurists. Or a film class. And I should do that this week.
But now, I should go to bed.
In some ways, though, my domestic weekend felt way too limited, too anonymous somehow. I've given up on the idea of dating for the moment, but I'm feeling the need to be engaged in a larger context / dialogue, which is ironic given that i live in this giant city. It's a tricky balance: in order to feel sane and settled here, you have to, as my roommate says, "make it a small town," which I'm doing more and more as i learn the neighborhoods of Brooklyn, commune with my dog park friends, etc., find the best coffee shops to sit and work at, but I need/want to expand the world I'm part of here, and I need/want to do it in two ways:
1) By doing service work - in a creative way. Either through a senior center or a youth center or a vets organization: volunteer to teach/lead some kind of writing project. Could be an interview project like the ipod project in which LGBT youth interview elders in the community, or something more personal. But I need to get engaged in this way.
2) By expanding my connection with/to other writers and artists. How do I do this, and why? And is what I really want to expand my own creative activity, i.e. write more? Which comes first, the work or the connections? The work, of course: that's the heart of it. But there's symbiosis between the two. And I don't want to work in isolation, and I don't necessarily want to just write as my creative outlet. I just finished a big article project and am about to take on a bunch more grantwriting for my theatre job and health/expository writing for another job. What I feel the urge to do, more than ever right now, is some kind of performance that includes writing. Which makes me think: I should take an improv class at Upright Citizens Brigade or the Neo-Futurists. Or a film class. And I should do that this week.
But now, I should go to bed.
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